The Satirist's Guide to Flamenco
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Ever wanted to learn the flamenco?It's fun and easy...
What Is Flamenco?
Flamenco is ONE, very simple to learn, dance based solely on the mating rituals of a long-legged, tropical, wading bird....
Flamenco is kinda like Tango except for all the sex, but Flamencos sometimes have sex, so its more like Salsa except it doesn't come with chips, but Flamencos sometimes have chips, so its more like Kathak, which you've probably never heard of, so forget I said anything....
If you're attending your very first flamenco dance lesson, just turn up in high heels for the girls, and thongs (flip flops for you Americans) for the boys. And don't worry if you've never, ever, danced before... A good teacher can make anyone look good!...As long as you pay cash....
All flamenco musicians, boys and girls, are easy to recognise. They all have black hair and often wear enormous straw hats and proudly sport, even larger mustaches...They will often be heard shouting, ¡Ándale!.. ¡Arriba! & ¡Epa!...
Flamenco Singers are generally in ulcerating pain from years of drinking, so trying to decipher their words or meaning is futile, just pretend your Uncle Charlie is visiting for Christmas and his wife has just left him... Again! Be respectful that he is older and wiser, and that you still have all of his life lessons ahead of you!...
Before you play, perform or dance THE FLAMENCO, drink lots and lots of sangria, because all Spanish people only drink Sangria....
After just a few lessons... Your flamenco performance should consists of these eight elements ;
Begin by walking around the stage to get your bearings, mark a few of your favorite spots on the floor a few times by extending your toe onto them.Be sure to look at the guitarist a few times to set the tempo, but don't expect a response back, because he'll have his head down most of the time, deep in thought about the next guitar he's going to buy.At this early stage, and because there was no rehearsal, you'll probably still be working out what the fuck your going to do and who the hell that fifth guy on stage is?...
When you're warmed up and, after much stress, when you've finally managed to get the guitarist's attention, by kicking him in the shin a few times, tell him to slow the heck down (yell if you have to) and then start inhaling your own, now sweaty, armpits...Do this to the point that you forget where you are, and you also start to get tiny wafts of grandiose delusion.It won't take long and don't worry about sharing your smelly opiate with the other band members, they have a more efficient drug for achieving the same result and there probably already coming down....
When you can feel the euphoria creeping in, stand up tall upon your tippy-toes, stick your chest out (stomach in), stretch your arms up and out to the sides, just like Jesus.... The Argentinian soccer fan, not the prophet.Feel your head growing in size and rising up towards the ceiling. Now take a deep breath and hold it, until you begin hallucinating. This first hallucination will probably be something simple, like a full house....
In your own time (and don't worry the guitarist will fill the gap), snap out of it. There'll be some percussion and very in-time music going on around you, but just try and block that out, because you'll soon realise that your stuck on a giant ant hill and have no alternative, but to kill the entire phantom colony with nothing but your feet. Don't worry about timing, the musicians will adjust and fix everything, just make sure you kill the little blighters before they get into your knickers....
When they're all dead, jump and stomp a few more times, just to be sure!Now reward yourself by twirling your fingers out to gently pick the delicate flower heads, from the imaginary garden that should now be surrounding you...You're happy place...You can breathe again now!Lift your skirt so you can use it as a hammock for these joyous, carnation-scented, apparitions and feel free to hand a few out to the singer and other band members, but be ready for the final hallucination....
During the final illusion... You'll simply start getting itchy, so just image you're a flea bitten dog... Now image that someone is scratching, that hard to reach spot, just above your tail.Feel it... Express it...If you start feeling a little too cocky, just slap yourself a few times.Slap your thigh, your chest, your forearms, even your shoes.Now let your leg extend out a little and twitch it into violent spasm as you vibrate your way around the floor....
Now encourage all the other band members to stand up one-by-one and join you in this Flamingo Mating Ritual. Make sure every one has imaginary carnations and when all the musicians have made a fool of themselves...Walk off stage slowly, and in a line, throwing those carnations over your shoulders as you go....
You would have forgotten to smile for the whole time you were on stage, so now would be a good time to do it!
...JUST JOKING...Flamenco dance can best be described by explaining it's three levels:
BEGINNER: Students who don't practice... The weekly dance class is their practice.
INTERMEDIATE: Students who practice and have finally bought some proper flamenco shoes after three years.
ADVANCED: Teachers who have lived in Spain.
FROM THE EDITOR: Nothing on this list is an accurate guide to flamenco. It was written purely for the amusement of the flamenco community's more seasoned and light-hearted performers and teachers.If you take offence, please note we need our fences and want them back AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!! We might get a few rotten tomatoes because of the post and the fence you've taken is the only thing we have to keep them out!;P